IntrovertHSP

Jan 31, 2017 ∞

New on the blog (link in my bio) - Self Care Sunday. The importance of self care for the highly sensitive people and introverts.

Jan 30, 2017 ∞

Self Care Sunday

If we cannot keep ourselves in balance physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we cannot hope to function from a center of well-being.
~ Thrive: The Highly Sensitive Person and Career, by Dr. Tracy Cooper, PhD

It is 6:30pm and I have still not made the bed today. That is an unheard of thing for me. I usually can’t get on with my day if I know the bed has not been made. The front door has not been unlocked since I locked it last night - I have not been outside today.

About twenty minutes ago the sun set and once that happens here in Hawaii, because of our proximity to the equator, it gets dark quickly.

Today has been a self care day for me. I woke up not long after 6:00am, not an unusual time for me, but I woke feeling deeply weary - something that is much more than just being tired. It is a feeling of exhaustion that just eats through to my bones. It is brought on by me pushing the limits of my personality as a highly sensitive person. The wise thing to do is to learn what the triggers are that tire me and dial back life a bit so as not to wear myself out. Most of the time I do that, but when I don’t or choose to push on regardless, eventually deep fatigue sets in. That is what I woke up to this morning.

I am by myself at the moment. My wife is visiting her mother on the other side of the country. Other family are also off the island and I had no plans for Sunday. As I lay in bed waking up I could hear rain outside and knew that more was forecast for the rest of the day. Cool temperatures, at least for Hawaii (low 60’s early 70’s), were also on the table. So with that I chose to turn over and doze for an hour longer.

The rest of the day has been taken equally slowly. I stayed in bed until noon - had breakfast, read. At lunchtime, once I was showered I did my meditation practice and then went back to bed for an hour’s sleep. A show on Netflix took up another hour of the afternoon.

I’ll cook myself some dinner this evening and then will finally venture out to put the trash out for tomorrow morning’s early collection.

I share this experience as I believe that introverts and those with sensory processing sensitivity (highly sensitive people) need to make their own self care an important part of their lives. HSP’s, because of their depth of cognitive processing and hypersensitivity to external stimuli, can find situations that others breeze through extremely exhausting. Peer or family pressure might have you feeling that you just need to suck it up and keep going, but sooner or later your body will wave a white flag and you’ll have to stop. As Dr. Cooper says in the quote above, HSP’s need balance in their lives for their own well-being. Try to identify what it is that are your triggers. Set boundaries for yourself and learn to say “no” to that which pushes you too far. Where possible educate others about your personality so that those who you spend time with, at work and home, understand and support you.

I still feel a weariness now. I am hoping that a good night’s sleep will help, I have an early start tomorrow. If am still tired tomorrow, I’ll take next week step by step, pacing myself. Regardless, I am very pleased that I have just stayed at home today, rested and allowed myself to do no more than necessary. Psychologically, just giving myself permission to stay at home and do nothing is a big boon in helping me rest.

As introverts and/or HSP’s I hope that you find, indeed make the time that you need to rest.

Dec 17, 2016 ∞

Lessons from Japan - An Introvert's Experience

I recently returned from a visit to Japan. It was not my first visit to Asia, but my first visit to Japan. In my readings about introverts and HSP’s, I have heard it said that there is more acceptance of quieter, sensitive personalities in Asia. I would concur on that in the countries that I have visited - India, Nepal, Tibet. I’ve always put it down to their society’s support of contemplative traditions.

For someone to dedicate their lives to a spiritual search in these countries is quite normal. The quieter, more reflective are a norm.

Japan was new to me. Apart from some of its design aesthetics - garden design, Ikebana - and Zen Buddhism, I knew little about the country. I found myself visiting the country to accompany my wife on a business trip. I did little research before landing in the country and so what was ahead of me for the next two and half weeks was going to be a complete surprise….and what a wonderful surprise it turned out to be. Japan got under my skin in a very good way. I am under no illusions that such a short visit, along with not being able to speak the language, is going to get right into the bones of the culture. But trusting my experience and intuition, I’d like to share an aspect of the country which I believe goes towards making Japan such a comfortable place for the quieter, more sensitive folk.

The People of Japan

There was a graciousness, gentleness and humility that I experienced from the Japanese people. Initially I wondered if it was simply because I was a tourist, looking to be kind and welcoming to the visitor. But with time it became apparent that that was not the case. The act that caught my eye were the welcomes, the greetings and farewells. Walking into a hotel, store or restaurant being greeted by “いらっしゃいませ”, ”Irasshaimase” and a nod of the head. Similarly approaching people ahead of a business meeting, or being welcomed into the privacy of someone’s home - you were greeted with a bow. Departures are the same, the bow. It felt so much more than just a recognition or another variation on the handshake.

The Bow

A bow causes a stop and a seeing of the other person. To recognize the gratitude for them being there and what they give to your life, whether that be friendship, a customer, an opportunity to serve. It is a pause and a seeing of the humanity in that person, the common bond that you share with them, the wisdom experience that they have to offer. That stopping and seeing of someone lessens that predominance to judgment. There is acceptance. Such attitudes are the birth place of patience, respect and humility. Generations old and it can change a society.

By withholding judgement and seeing the other, we can allow our perceptions of them to be less important than what they are bringing, what they have to offer. While studying for my Masters at Naropa University we would start each class, sitting in a circle, with a deep breath and a bow to the center of the circle - to the collective wisdom in the room, and also to each person’s individual wisdom. Indeed, when we were not in class but engaging in the online element of the program, we were encouraged to bow as we sat in front of the computer - sounds odd doesn’t it? But we were imaging our classmates online, whether they were or not, and bowing to them and their wisdom. Try that before you next log onto Facebook!

So what does this have to do with introversion?

My sense of the people of Japan was a softness, a graciousness, and a patience to see and hear those with whom they were interacting with. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that no one is seen and heard in the West, of course not, but I do believe that there is generally a harsher, more aggressive nature to life with less patience in the West. And this is not to idealize a culture. I have read about incidents that run counter to my observation. But I would suggest that they are the exception rather than the rule. For all the crowds that there are in Japan, for me as an introvert and HSP the country felt easy and comfortable to be in. There was a comfortableness that allowed the mind to rest and be at ease…and while there is no doubt much more about the culture that contributes to this, I believe that the bow plays its part.

Your turn

Try it in your own way. Stop and mentally recognize someone before you engage with them. Stop and offer a mental bow and welcome - no words need be said, no visible action engaged in - just make it a practice to see the other.

See your life irreparably wrapped up in their well being.
Now expand that out to everyone in your street, town, country, … and imagine if they were all doing the same to those who they met.
I might have joked about it above, but try a quiet bow before your social media time.

Use this as an exploration. Try it from time to time and see how it impacts you.

Jul 27, 2016 ∞

Gentle Men Discussion

You are Invited to a Discussion For and About Gentle Men

Invitation

I have previously held two discussions with men to explore what it means to be a quiet or gentle man who does not fully identify with the dominant macho expectations. At both events there was a wide ranging discussion, with the men present sharing their own experiences growing up and how they dealt with the differences that they noticed in themselves compared with other men around them, and the expectations put on them that did not fit in with their nature.

I am now planning a third live discussion via video conferencing. Like the previous two, there is no cost and it is open to any like minded man who is interested in exploring this subject. There is no need to have been present at either of the previous discussions. I’ll make it easy to participate, and quiet is welcome too.

All said in our discussion will be held in strict confidence.

Date/Time: Monday, August 29th.

11:00am(PST)/2:00pm(EST)
4:00pm(PST)/7:00pm(EST)

Please indicate your preference. I will decide when to run the event based on the majority preferred time. If there is sufficient interest, I will consider running two discussions.

Why I am doing this

There is an inherent vulnerability in being a highly sensitive man, in that our sensory systems are firing more than other men.
~ Dan Mcleod, The Highly Sensitive Man

My reasons for wanting to take this conversation further is three fold:

To help build a sense of community for gentle men.
To understand our own struggles better, and explore solutions to them.
To start to piece together a new narrative about how men are seen and from that create a place where gentle men’s gifts are recognized and can shine.

What will the discussion be like?

…males around the world have, for centuries, been gathering in circles.
~ Earl Hipp, www.man-making.com

The call will be made up of like minded men coming together in the spirit of sharing and support. I am limiting the group to 6 participants so that everyone has a chance to contribute. We’ll meet via an online videoconferencing tool. I’ll provide easy instructions once you RSVP.

The meeting will last 1.5 hours.

Who I am.

Life for me has been one of exploration, and one part of that is learning to live as a quieter, sensitive male in a modern world. I have taken the experience of this enquiry into my work as a Life Coach working with introverts and highly sensitive people, with a particular interest in working with men in this area and the struggles that they might face in modern society.

In the spirit of continual exploration and learning, I am keen to hear from other men about their experiences as quieter, sensitive or gentler men.

Ready to RSVP?

If you are interested in joining this discussion, please complete the form below to reserve your spot. The RSVP deadline is Wednesday, August 24th.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Register for the Gentle Men Discussion on Monday, August 29th

Time that works best for you:

11:00am(PST)/2:00pm(EST)
4:00pm(PST)/7:00pm(EST)
Both times work for me
Name:
Email:

Apr 11, 2016 ∞

Hearing It As It Is From Men

Boy this article/post has taken a long time to come together - too long. I’m not sure why. I could probably blame writers procrastination, that blank white screen or sheet of paper that is just sitting there taunting you to dare to fill it with words. Perfection has probably also played a part…”gotta get this right,” and then I over think what I wanted to say (as is my introvert tendency). And really all that I have wanted to do is to touch base with you about is how the Gentle Men Discussion went which I hosted a few weeks back (actually just over a month ago), and which was the subject of my last blog post.

My aim in hosting the talk was to hear from men who did not identify with the dominant macho image of being a man. This might be because they were Introverts, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), or that they didn’t identify with any label but felt that they simply didn’t fit in. I wanted to bring men together and join me around a virtual table to talk about what might normally be unsaid in their lives. As has been said elsewhere, men have sat in circles for centuries, meeting to talk and share stories. That was my wish here. To create a circle of men exploring what it means to be a man in the world today.

Specifically I wanted to start a dialogue with men who have a gentler way of being, and to learn more of what their struggles and successes are. What it means to be such a man today in our modern society? How they have coped and what is still a struggle for them? I feel the time is ready for a new story of what it means to be in a man in the world today. A more open and inclusive story.

My interest in holding such a dialogue was initially triggered when I wrote a piece asking where all the male introverts were? Since the huge success of Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking the online world has lit up with dialogue about being an introvert in society, I would say especially in the western world where the extrovert way of being is more celebrated and seen as the way to be. However, a great majority of this online dialogue is by women, I am going to guess at 90%+ . There is some superb content out there. It has inspired and helped me in owning and living with my introversion. But at the same time there is a part of the dialogue missing - what does it mean to be a quiet and sensitive man living in an extroverted world? And what is missing especially about that dialogue is it taking place between men. Even the replies that I received for the blog post I mentioned above were all from women.

If I was asked to offer a diagnosis as to the cause of this silence from men, I would speak to societal pressure. I see, experience, a message coming from society that says, “you have to act this way if you are a man and wish to be seen as a man. Any other way of being means that you are lacking in some way as a man.” If men show up in ways that are regarded as un-masculine, they can be spoken down to in disparaging terms (some of which are implicitly derogatory towards women) such as - “you are a wuss, or pussy.” The pressure of their natural way of being eats into how these men show up at work, with their families, at play, in the online world….and with themselves.

The conversation with men

So returning to the dialogue that I held with men at the end of February. Seven of us sat in a circle that spanned 10 hours in time zones. We set some ground rules in order to create a safe space for sharing, I had a few questions ready to prompt conversation if it waned, and then we sat down for 1.5 hours discussing a number of subjects:

At what stage growing up did individuals noticed that they were different from their peers in some way?
In what way were they different, and how did they cope with that difference?
What coping strategies did or do they adopt?
The role of shame in how they showed up in the world and in some cases destructive patterns of behaviour that that invoked.
Exploring the stories that we live by and owning our own stories, i.e. owning and being who we are as individual men, and how easy or difficult that can be.

Probably the most powerful part of the dialogue for me was simply hearing the experiences from real men. For the most part thus far my experience of others’ experience of what it means to be a quiet and sensitive man has come from articles or books that I have read. I speak about my work with introverts, and the subject sparks interesting conversation, but delving deeper into what it means to be a quiet and sensitive man has not really happened. So while these stories that I read are true, they are still words on paper. I feel their power and resonate with the words shared, but there is a distance. Hearing the stories from men sitting in front of me, men who did not know each other an hour ago but are now willing to lean into their vulnerability and share their stories with strangers, I found very powerful. I was not thinking about my own experiences. I was not reading articles - like this one! :) - I was hearing the lived experiences of men who had lived the experience of feeling different as they grew up.

The next dialogue

Following the success of this meeting, I am planning another dialogue. Some men have already expressed an interest in joining, but it looks as though there will be space if other men are interest. No date set yet, but it will probably be about a month out. If you are interested, reach out to me via email and I’ll include you in the email list for information.

Jan 26, 2016 ∞

An Invitation to a Discussion...

Invitation

I am sending out this invitation to men, or men who you may know in your life, to join me for a free discussion about what it means to be a gentle or quiet man who does not fully identify with the dominant macho expectations. I’d love to have a discussion about being such a man in the world today - the challenges, the joy, where you shine and where you struggle. All said in our discussion will be held in strict confidence.

If you think it would be interesting to talk about this topic with like-minded men, I invite you to join me in a guided conversation. I’ll make it easy to participate, and quiet is welcome too.

Date/Time:

Monday, February 29th.

11:00am (PST)/2:00pm (EST)
4:00pm (PST)/7:00pm (EST)

Please indicate your preference. I will decide when to run the event based on the majority preferred time. If there is sufficient interest, I will consider running two discussions.

Why I am doing this?

I won’t be selling anything. I just want to explore this topic with others.

In many ways, this world is not supportive of men who do not fit into the dominant macho meme of today. I am offering this space on the assumption that there are other men out there with similar questions as to how we fit in and how our qualities are seen and accepted for what they are. This is not about changing who you are, but about honoring who you are. I imagine you know that your reflective nature, your love of the earth, or love of reading are valuable qualities. I believe that these qualities can help make this world a better place.

Let’s discuss how we can work with these qualities in the midst of a loud, macho, materialistic culture.

What will the discussion be like?

This will be a meeting of like minded men coming together in the spirit of support, sharing and building community. I will share some questions with you as seeds for discussions.

The group will be limited to 6 people so as to allow everyone plenty of time to talk.

We’ll meet via an online video teleconference tool. I’ll provide easy instructions once you RSVP.

The meeting will last for 1.5 hours.

Who I am

Life has taken me on many journeys around the world.

Growing up in England, I was that reserved small kid in school that was easily picked on. I studied computer science at college and on graduating spent time as a computer programmer. Searching for answers in life I spent a few years traveling with a pack on my back. I subsequently lived in a Buddhist community, and Buddhist practice is still central to my life. I built an award winning ecological house and worked in the environmental field. I am on the Board of a Charitable Foundation based in my hometown in the UK, and most recently have been through the NWTA experience with the ManKind Project. I’ve lived in many places and currently reside in Hawaii.

Through all of these stages there have been searches as to how my nature fits into the world around me.

I’m currently a life coach with a strong interest in exploring what it means to be a gentle man in our society.

I’m excited to learn from other men like me about what interests them on these topics.

Ready to RSVP?

Email me at david.johnson@hey.com to reserve your place as soon as possible.

RSVP deadline: Wednesday, February 24th.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
David Johnson.

Nov 21, 2015 ∞

Introversion - In the Cradle of the Night

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night"
~ Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel

Solsbury Hill is an Iron Age Hill Fort to the East of the city of Bath in England. From the lyrics of this well-known song we know that Peter Gabriel is on the Hill with the darkness of night surrounding him. I imagine him standing up there by himself looking out from the Hill’s peak, shrouded in darkness, anonymous to everything around him, gazing down on the lights of Bath. As you read on in the lyrics there is a sense that he has gone up there to be by himself and reflect.

The darkness around him affords him the solitude that he wants.

Gabriel’s song came to me a couple of weeks ago when I went up to the summit of Haleakala, one of the two volcanos that make up the Hawai’ian island of Maui. In an hour and a half you can drive from sea level to the summit of Haleakala at 10,000ft+. For me it is “the other” side of the natural forces of Hawai’i. You sit on the rocks and cliffs that go out into the ocean and you are sitting on a lava flow that centuries ago grew this island, these islands into the what they are today. The size of the volcanoes and the forces that grew the Hawai’ian islands, indeed continues to grow some of them, is humbling.

So that evening on top of Haleakala I could see across to the summits of Kilauea and Mauna Loa on the Big Island. As night fell the lights from that island’s towns became visible 30 miles away across the ʻAlenuihāhā Channel. With the sun down the temperature fell quickly - it was freezing and the wind chill ate through my clothes. People up there for the sunset started to leave to head back down the mountain, and apart from car headlights, discernible figures and objects slowly merged into the darkness. The lights of Maui townships became visible through the cloud, which I was above, and in the sky above the stars and Milky Way slowly revealed themselves. Satellites and pieces of space debris tracked across the sky. Comets burnt up on their passage through our atmosphere. With plenty of clothes and coats on, and a blanket wrapped round me, I just wanted to be up there and take in the experience - the silence, the isolation and detachment of the night, the raw experience of nature in this wild space…but there was also the image that Gabriel created in Solsbury Hill and the reminders that that brought me of similar situations in my own life.

There are times when I find something deeply comforting in being able to look out on the world with a sense of complete anonymity. My introverted nature craves periods alone to rest, recharge and rebuild, but having that sense of anonymity afforded to me by the darkness of the night along with no electronic contact, Haleakala has little or no cell phone service, allows me to go deeper. Standing on the “Hill” that was Haleakala, I was not just shrouded in my blanket but also darkness, and within my secret and unknown presence I could sit and watch the world going on beneath me. For a couple of hours I was apart from it, free to rest in the quietness that the isolation afforded to me.

Knowing that I would not be disturbed, indeed could not be disturbed, let my level of rest and letting go of mundane concerns run deeper.

Looking down on the world I thought of the people heading out and enjoying their Saturday night, it was Halloween, being with the kids (trick-or-treating), others staying at home watching television, reading a book, sharing a dinner party. There were doctors and nurses working in hospitals, chefs and wait staff busy keeping customers fed in restaurants, others keeping us in water and electricity, the police keeping order, the homeless sleeping or watching all this with their own perspective that I can only guess at.

Looking down I could feel the busyness of the world and felt the relief to be away from it. To be able to wander into my own thoughts and musings without fear of being interrupted.

Retreat

The great spiritual and philosophical traditions hint at the importance of retreat - Jesus’ time alone in the wilderness, Buddha sitting in meditation under the Bodhi tree, Muhammad spending time in silence, prayer and retreat in the caves around Mount Hira. But we do not have to follow any such tradition to take part in and benefit from retreat time.

Retreat time is alone time where we disconnect completely from the outside world for a few hours, days or maybe even weeks. No phone, no electronic communication, no personal communication, no business…no nothing. A place where the noise and worry of everyday life can be allowed to settle, like a glass of muddy water. The noise might still be there in the back ground, but not stirred up by life’s busyness it is given the space to take a rest, and with it afford you rest from it.

One thing you find with a complete disconnection is how the world gets on perfectly OK without you. Don’t worry, you can catch up later.

The complete disconnection allows you a deeper recharge and rest, and time to reflect on that which you want to. Maybe you are looking for time to be creative, time to just be, or time to just rrreeessstt.

Look for opportunities to build retreat times into your life. Timetabled into your life - twice a year, once a month, for a few hours or few days - will add to their power. You are giving yourself permission to take this time off, and you know so in advance. No last minute frenetic plan making, but more of a wined down towards your retreat. The mind starts to calm down laying a foundation for your time alone. Involve family and friends in your plans for added support before, while you are away and once you get back (you don’t want to walk in the door and be deluged with demands and requests). Also build in a plan for if you do need to be contacted. Then breathe, thank all concerned for their encouragement and head off.

If you take retreat time already, what does it look like? If this is something that you would like to build into your life, what do you need to do to make it happen?

Oct 25, 2015 ∞

Introversion - Life in the Rear View Mirror

When looking at my life as an introvert and HSP, I can spend a lot of time gazing into the rear view mirror. Why? Because for the greater part of my life I had no formal reference point with which to frame how I have felt in different situations. While growing up my heart knew what I wanted, what I felt comfortable with, how best I worked, the outside world gave me different messages.

Listening to my heart was not something that I was brought up to do, and so to a greater and lesser extent - I didn’t completely ignore the messages that I was receiving - I went with what I thought society wanted. So although my heart said one thing - see, I was listening - the outside world said something else and I would pathologize how it was that I was feeling…”there is something in me that needs to be fixed,” I started telling myself. My approach to being in the world was wrong.

If you have spent time in your life not having a reference point for your introversion and sensitivity, it can badly undermine your self-confidence. Even if you are reading about the strengths and qualities of introverts, you’ll find yourself questioning and doubting. Transforming your past experiences, looking at them with fresh perspective can be helpful in moving forward. Look on those past experiences as compost, as the birth place for new outlooks and fresh ideas. This way the trials of the past become the genesis of a new you.

That’s not to say that things will change overnight, most likely they won’t. The Buddhist tradition that I have trained in emphasizes the importance of hearing, reading and understanding the meditation practices before engaging in them. It might sound obvious, why do something before knowing about it? All the same sometimes we don’t look before we leap and excited enthusiasm can get the better of us. Even if we do spend time studying, it is easy to mistake that intellectual understanding for having the subject licked. All too quickly, and rudely, we discover that what we have just read about is not manifesting in our personality however much it resonated with us. The compassionate feelings that welled up in us while reading about the subject, appear to be the last thing that we are feeling right now after that put down!

It is very easy to get an intellectual understanding but there is another stage…bringing the understanding to our heart and integrating it within ourselves. Making it a part of who we are. It takes time and patience, and ultimately an understanding of and compassion for ourselves. As the saying goes, old habits die hard, and what we are asking ourselves to do is to change the habits of how we see and experience ourselves.

The View from My Mirror

So for me it has been a gradual process. Even now I find myself reading articles about introversion and sensitivity, things that I understand and know, but now I see them in a deeper light than before because I have had the opportunity to integrate the understanding more into my own life.

So what does the landscape in the rear view mirror look like now with the benefit of my better understanding of introversion and sensitivity? Well the landscape hasn’t so much changed as I obviously can’t make the past different. What has changed is how I look on what is in the mirror and how I have integrated that into my daily life.

It might be that in places that rear view mirror is foggy. A lot of time has passed since my childhood, and so not all the stories are clear, it’s more just fleeting memories. I see quietness at times, having fun with friends. I see bullying, time spent in nature, enjoying time with family and I see inner conflict as I feel lost in what I perceived was expected of me. What learning about introversion has given me is a smoothing out of the past road. It is now no longer a noisy presence from the past that hovers around me at times like a specter. It now has a quiet presence as it has been given context and is now held with compassion for the one who at times felt lost.

Making Choices

One time that I did choose to listen to my heart was after college. I packed a rucksack and hit the road for a couple of years. My heart was telling me to get some space and that felt like the best way to do it. Plans were there, but sketchy. Destinations were in mind, but I was on no itinerary and open to what might happen. I would be standing by the road hitch hiking, just me, my backpack and a destination in mind. Someone would pull over, pick me up and say that they were going somewhere else, normally somewhere part way to where I wanted to go. Did I want to come along with them, stay with their family, go camping with their friends,….?

We make plans, we have them set up in place, and then another opportunity presents itself. We take it and new experiences are had, new opportunities present themselves. Back in the hustle and bustle of everyday life that perspective can be lost, but opportunities are never far away if we look closely. We just have to be observant, listen and be ready to jump in when the occasion presents itself.

Where does this fit into my introverted nature?

The rear view mirror shows me a world that was. It has happened, it has past. With perspective I can now see myself standing by the road with choices as to how I act. Ultimately I can choose how I want that experience to be in my life now. It does not need to rule my life now, but looked on with the right perspective it can be helpful and inform where I go from here. I can look back with my better understanding of introversion now and give myself context for how I felt and compassion where there was pain. And with that new understanding I can stand stronger in myself now and the actions that I choose to take going forward.

I am forever standing beside the road with options as to which ride I take. One can read about how as an introvert your qualities make you a better listener or a better this or that, but your past life, your past habits can undermine your self-belief in what you are being told. So you fall back into old habits. You put yourself back in the cage - you want to be out of it, it is not very comfortable in there and you can’t breathe so well, but at least it is familiar. Instead trust in what you are reading, what you are hearing about your introvert strengths. Allow yourself to feel them in your heart. Next time you feel challenged remember that bit of advice that you read or heard and try it out. The ground could well feel shaky for you, but try it anyway. Once you have tasted the results of your work, you’ll have more faith in the advice that you read and be more willing to try it again next time that you are called upon to use it.

All the advice that you read and hear becomes yours when you have taken it from the page and made it a part of your own life.

You will start to feel the efficacy and truth in what you are hearing and stand more firm in what you as an introvert and sensitive person are able to offer. You don’t stand any less than your extroverted friends and colleagues, having to shy away in the background with excuses, rather you stand alongside them with your complimentary skills and personality.

What does life look like for you in the rear view mirror? How have you managed that view with the benefit of your learnings around introversion and sensitivity?

Sep 25, 2015 ∞

The Silence of Male Introverts & HSPs?

I wrote this piece to explore some thoughts and observations that have been going through my mind. I’ve been thinking a lot about introversion and sensitivity, as it is defined for a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and men. Specifically the visibility of introverted and/or HSP men online, and what that might say to how these men are handling this aspect of themselves in their lives. I have included a question mark in the title of this blog as I also ask myself if I am asking the correct question?

Is it a silence or is it something else…though right now I don’t know what that something else is?

As we spend our time online we search out and are drawn to websites and groups that speak to interests that we hold. I spend some of my online time in forums for introverts and HSPs, but I do not see many men in them. At least there are definitely more women visible than men. Now I recognize that the online world is not for everyone, but I’m guessing that ”not for everyone” is not the reason that introverted & HSP men are not as visible as women online. Also just to acknowledge that I am using the word “visible." I can spend time online reading but not replying to threads or offering my comments - I remain invisible. But this does not get away from my experience of more women in these online forums than men.

In this post I explore some possible reasons for this apparent discrepancy and would be interested in hearing your own thoughts on the subject.

For me, acknowledging my introversion and sensitivity means making myself vulnerable. Or perhaps I would say that it is about stepping up a ladder of vulnerability.

I am not good with heights. I don’t bound up a ladder. On some ladders I am fine if I do not have to climb too high. However, if I am being asked to climb to a certain height, once I get so far up the ladder I start to proceed with more caution, feeling my way up to each new rung before proceeding to the next. One might ask what I am doing climbing a ladder in the first place if I have a fear of heights? Well a couple of things there. One, if the height is just too high, I won’t be going up. And two, if the choice is there, if someone is there who can do the work instead of me, I’ll let them go ahead. But when those options don’t present themselves, a job needs to be done and I think that I can manage the height, I’ll go up. If someone is around to steady the ladder or help in any other way, I’ll let them know I am going to proceed with caution. No heroics here. The head space that I find myself in at heights prevents any of those. I’ll go up and get the job done, but those below will see the caution and nervousness with which I proceed.

Sharing my introversion and sensitivity with the world has been like climbing that ladder - I can open to it so far, and from there on it has been a rung at a time. Perhaps sometimes a couple of quick steps, but inevitably there is a pause. Circumstances and company will determine the degree of my opening. This has changed over the years as my own confidence and understanding of what I am dealing with grows, but the challenge can still arise, sometimes when I not expecting it.

What causes that pause? Why not just step out and say who you are?

I believe that in no small part the answer to those questions is because I am a man. The terms introversion and sensitivity carry or embody for modern society meanings that are not what these personality traits truly are. Introversion can carry connotations of shyness, passivity, of being meek or weak. Sensitivity might commonly be understood as having a sense of fluffiness and weakness about it, or maybe a feeling that is more normally associated with the feminine. With both introversion and sensitivity there can be the sense that they are personality traits and ways of being that we choose to adopt and live by. These are meanings and values that have been put on those words by society at large, I would say especially in the west.

These misunderstandings are beginning to change with the movement that has sprung up from the publication a few years ago of Susan Cain’s book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”. More recently there has been the release of the movie “Sensitive, The Untold Story,” based Dr. Elaine Aron’s pioneering work on Highly Sensitive People. Hopefully these works and others will go a long way into clearing the misunderstandings surrounding these personality traits.

Introversion is not speaking to shyness, fear or dislike of people, but energy - what tires us out and what energies us and as a corollary of this, how we work and function at our best in the world. Similarly sensitivity is not talking about an affliction or “soft” way of being in the world that we choose. Rather it is a genetic psychological trait that cause HSP’s to experience the world in a more intense and deep way. As a consequence they can very easily become overstimulated.

But habits and beliefs are slow to change.

A man can read a book or a blog entry and hear the truth that is being spoken for him. He can know that his introversion and/or sensitivity is the source of his strengths and is at the core of who he is, but if misunderstandings and prejudices of those around him do not embrace his beliefs, he will be left feeling alone and cautious about what he reveals to who - whether family or work.

Speaking out when one is fearful of the response requires vulnerability. It requires facing the fear of being shamed. Author and researcher, Brené Brown, defines shame as,

the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Brown goes on to speak about how this is experienced separately by men and women,

For women, shame is a web of unattainable expectations that say, Do it all, Do it perfectly, and Never let them see you struggle. For men, the primary shame mandate is, Do not be perceived as weak.

When the requirement of men is to be loud, demonstrative, physically strong - as that might be perceived as the only way of getting results, of winning - then any quieter way of being will not even be given a chance to shine and will possibly be ridiculed. And if introverted men believe that they have to act in a way contrary to what they are comfortable with, their health and well being will suffer - I write that based on experience.

There are an increasing number of online forums (websites, Facebook groups, etc) dedicated to introversion and they are wonderful, helpful resources. I am very grateful for their presence and to those who brought them into being, but the vast majority of these are run by women and the members of these forums, or the one’s responding in the comments are mainly women. Where are the introverted and sensitive men? I am going to guess that vulnerability is the main barrier. I certainly don’t believe that men are not reading the forums.

Statistics say that 15%-20% of the population are Highly Sensitive…and as a by-the way, the trait is also found in animals. Of that percentage, the ratio of men to women who are sensitive is 50/50. Taking the lower, 15%, that means that there are over 48 million HSPs in the USA alone…and so over 24 million HSP men. Introverts are said to be 50% of the population - that is a lot more than 24 million.

This is not only about the introverted and sensitive men willing to step out and be heard, it is also about a society growing up, recognizing that “strength” and “qualities” can have many disguises. That it is not the domain of the few or those showing up in a specific, defined way, but also about supporting these men so that they can stand at the top of the same ladder in their own way.

Before finishing, I’d like to offer you links here to four articles which explore the subject of HSP men:

Are you an introverted and/or HSP man, or do you know one? How do you manage your true nature in daily life? Hide it? Display it? Regulate visibility depending on the situation? What informs these decisions?

Aug 26, 2015 ∞

Letting Go - A Lesson From the Road

I am not long back from a summer holiday visiting family and friends in different parts of the US and UK. Six weeks on the road. I have be away for much longer, much longer, but looking out from the perspective of pre-departure this felt like an exhausting trip before I had even taken off. Despite looking forward to seeing family and being back in England, this jaunt felt as though it would be busy - read, not much down time. This is not a good way to approach a trip abroad, expecting the worst…and in there lay the lesson, letting go.

For all the raised awareness around introversion that has emerged over the last few years following the publication of Susan Cain’s book “Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” and the online dialogue that now takes place everyday, introverts (and extroverts) must be careful that they do not fall into the trap of always expecting things to be the way that they want them. I am not suggesting here that we do not speak up and advocate for change and increased understanding where appropriate. I am also not suggesting that we go looking for trouble. But sometimes we do not get dealt the cards that we want and have to deal with the situation appropriately, i.e. not complaining, but as skillfully, patiently and as compassionately (towards and between all parties) as possible!

A question of balance

This can present a difficult dilemma of balance. In whatever aspect of our lives it is, we all have those moments when we reach our limit. The pot is full and we are struggling to maintain our composure and to function clearly. For me that can come when I have had just too much people input. I can’t detect the pattern here - time around some groups of people are fine, around others and the plug is eventually pulled out and my energy starts to drain away. I think that a lot of it has to do with what is going on and who I am with. So that dilemma of balance comes from on the one hand acknowledging a need to take a break, and on the other completely withdrawing from the world such that we become a stranger to those around us.

Having supportive friends and letting those around you know what your needs are is a big help. Do not be afraid of speaking to your needs. I recognize that at times that can feel easier said than done. Perhaps societal pressures make you afraid of what the consequences will be of speaking up - how will you be judged? Will you be put down (from which the way out can then seem further)? Or maybe other’s tolerance or understanding only goes so far?

So times can arise when you need to draw on other reserves until the downtime that you are craving becomes possible.

Seeking perfection

The Tibetan meditation masters warn us of procrastinating over our meditation and never getting round to sitting because we are constantly on the look out for “perfect” conditions in which to sit - completely quiet, the right time of day, temperature, smell, etc… Even the yogis who disappear off for years or decades of meditation in remote caves have to undergo all sorts of hardship - cold, lack of food, physical discomfort - but they stick with it because the end goal brings greater rewards.

While I was going to be afforded sometime to myself while I was away, there was definitely going to be a lot of time catching up with people, running around…fitting a lot into a short time. I would look to take quiet time to recharge where I could, but where not it was better to accept the situation and instead of expending energy resisting what I didn’t want, use other methods to recharge.

A verse from a 9th Century Buddhist text by the Indian scholar Shantideva speaks to this way of approaching the world,

Where would I possibly find enough leather
With which to cover the surface of the earth?
But (wearing) leather just on the soles of my shoes
Is equivalent to covering the earth with it.”

In ancient India and today the roads are hot, dusty and dirty and the holy men who have renounced the householders life wander those streets. The roads are uncomfortable to walk on. One could try and cover all the streets with leather…that would protect your feet but is wholly impractical. The other option is to put shoes on your feet.

Changing our attitude

This verse is speaking to how mentally we approach life. We could go out there and have all aspects of life set up just the way that we want them so that we do not have to deal with the difficulties. Imagine, every corner that you turn you find yourself being approached in exactly the way that you want, everything laid out just as you want it…all of the time. Wouldn’t that be comfortable…and I also sense a little boring? And of course this approach to life is just not possible.

So what is the other option? Change your mind. If you cannot change the physical world, change how you approach what the world presents to you. While our ideal for recharging might be a quiet room with a book, if that is not available to us, we still have ourselves. Instead of filling our head with dialogue such as, “I am tired and don’t want to be here,” we can rest our attention on the breath when we are not speaking. In the presence of others we can take time for ourselves.

If others are talking a lot while you just want to gaze out over some beautiful scenery, allow the talk to go on…but not your internal dialogue wishing things to be quiet. Keep a bare attention on the conversation should you need to respond, otherwise focus on what brings you joy - the view. Again, seek solitude in the presence of others.

Letting go

The world can be noisy, but sometimes we make it more noisy for ourselves with all our internal chatter that is complaining about what we don’t like. Let go of that chatter, let go of your resistance to what is going on, accept the situation for what it is (that does not mean that you have to like it) and give that space to recharging on the fly. Letting go is not a giving up. It is an honest assessment of the situation, an acceptance of what you can and cannot do, not fighting against that and basing your way forward on that reality. Do not be discouraged by the struggle to let go. It is a practice. It is about getting use to something new, a new way of working with a situation. The more that you get use to the ability and seek out methods that work for you to seek solitude in the presence of others, the more the viability of letting go becomes.

Through all of this remember to look after yourself, but also remember your friends and colleagues. If you disappear, they could be left wondering what is going on. Find that balance for yourself - on the one hand letting go and spending more time with others, on the other letting them know what your needs are and taking some time for yourself.

What techniques do you use to replenish your reserves when life is busy around you? How do you take in the view while others talk away in the background?

Jul 11, 2015 ∞

Being Interviewed by Melissa Schwartz - Video

Melissa Schwartz of Leading Edge Parenting, where she coaches parents of highly sensitive children, recently interviewed me. Our discussion looked at the overlap between Tibetan Buddhism, particularly meditation and High Sensitivity. You can watch the complete interview below.

I hope that you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the conversation with Melissa.

Dec 25, 2014 ∞

How to Approach Difficult Situations ... and Manage Those Holiday Blues

A lot of good advice has been offered online on how introverts and HSPs can manage the social demands that might come their way over the holiday period. I was not intending to add to this well informed conversation, until I came across this short video (below) by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher who is based in Seattle. The advice that he gives stretches beyond the Buddhist world and applies to any time and place in our lives, not just the this holiday time.

He speaks of how by reaching into core principles such as love and compassion, principles that speak for the well being of the other and not of self, we find more peace of mind by not dwelling on that which is causing us pain. In doing so we lessen our own load and make the difficult more bearable. We transform the situation by not dwelling on the negative. Continued practice of acting in this way creates a new habit for ourselves, our heart and mind are more at peace and we are able to weather more challenges in our lives.

If and where the Buddhist terminology does not work for you, I invite you to replace Rinpoche’s words with words or phrases that help give his advice meaning to you.

Have a happy and safe holiday time whether with family and friends or by yourself, and wishing you all the best for 2015.

Nov 22, 2014 ∞

An Attitude of Gratitude

Every Thursday evening at a yoga class that I use to attend we started class by sitting in a circle, introducing ourselves, expressing any injuries that we had and then naming something that we are grateful for. Once while going round that circle a fellow Brit in the class expressed gratitude for the “Attitude of Gratitude” that had been installed in him through the Thursday evening class. Even when he was feeling a little down the Attitude of Gratitude was always available to him, opening up the world around him and lifting him out of his melancholy.

There is much to be grateful for each day, but it is very easy to go through life feeling as though our glass is half empty. The advertising industry in its effort to sell to us tells us that we don’t look right, don’t smell right, don’t wear the right clothes or drive the right car…and that the ever elusive happiness will be with us once we do change our appearance. A celebrity culture presents us with goals that most of us are unlikely to achieve, or a fantasy world in which to escape when our own lives become too much. With external pressures to conform to or being told our own interests are not cool, we can feel alone or unappreciated for who we are. The world of lack created by the media and advertising industry creates a hole in ourselves and society that we try and fill with external stuff, whether through the procuring of goods or running round chasing distractions that ultimately do little to satisfy us.

The Spiral

Developing an Attitude of Gratitude allows us to take ownership for who we are, reclaiming ourselves and our birthright. Through acknowledging that for which we are grateful the world no longer becomes a glass have empty, it is at the very least half full. Less and less do we dwell on the negative or the lack, we start to see the world through eyes of abundance. Joanna Macy speaks of the activist’s inner journey being made up of four successive stages, each interconnected and feeding the others, creating a spiral. These start with Gratitude.

Opening to gratitude,
Owning our pain for the world,
Seeing with new eyes,
Going forth.

More information about the spiral can be found here.

Joanna said that in the early days of her work, Gratitude was not a part of these stages. When I asked her why she decided to include Gratitude her reply was, “what else was there to do?”

The Benefits

The introvert’s world can be rich through spending so much time in our minds. Details are noticed of the world around us and this in turn fills our lives with an appreciation of its depth and diversity (by the way, I am not suggesting that extroverts do not also recognize this diversity). Counter to that though is the struggle that sometimes exists as introverts interact in an extroverted biased world. Expectations or judgements from others, based on a lack of understanding, can be tiring and also erode self-esteem and self-belief. Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude can be a balm for being in this atmosphere. It helps to create perspective and remind you of what is really important, at the same time building resilience in yourself.

As we move towards the North American Thanksgiving Holidays, what are you grateful for? What Attitude of Gratitude are you cultivating today?

Nov 15, 2014 ∞

An Aesop Fable and Introversion

We have been experiencing some very windy weather here in the Pacific North West. Accompanied by some unseasonably cold temperatures, the wind chill has been cutting through everyone. The skies have been clear and the strong winds have given a clarity to the air, while at the same time making swift work of the autumnal job of removing the trees of their leaves - piles are accumulating along the sidewalk.

While out and about in this weather a short story that I first heard when I was a child popped into my mind. The tale has never left me. As a child I was struck by it’s message, for reasons that I didn’t understand at the time, but something in there just felt right. This time I decided to look up the story.

Having nowhere to reference the story and unsure of how well known it was, I reached for Google. It turns out that the story was one of Aesop’s fables. I found many versions of it online, and share one of those below. It’s relevance to introverts and the quiet leaders of this world is there clearly to be seen. I hope that you enjoy it.

The North Wind and The Sun

The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

“We shall have a contest,” said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

“As a test of strength,” said the Sun, “Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man.”

“It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat,” bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat.

Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.

The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.

Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

“How did you do that?” said the Wind.

“It was easy,” said the Sun, “I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way.”

From my searches online, the message from the story is commonly articulated as, “Gentle persuasion is stronger than force.” If we were to substitute, as you might already have done, the wind as an extrovert and the sun as an introvert, we see a recognition in the story that quieter ways have their place in the world. The louder ones don’t always win.

Another version of the story has the sun acknowledging the power of the wind and its capabilities. I think that this addition is important and gives the message more strength. It is not a message of either/or but both/and.

But still, the important lesson is that in order to effect change, strength and ability can just as well rest with the quiet ones. Indeed at times, it is those to whom you should turn, though the manifestation of strength might not be what you were envisaging.

Aug 31, 2014 ∞

Meditation In Service of Introverts

Meditation and introversion have something in common - the mind. For introverts the mind is a place of activity, but also a place of refuge. Meditation is an activity for familiarizing ourselves with our mind, and for developing its unrealized potential. That might sound exciting and scary in equal measure, but hopefully this article will lend some perspective. With this close connection, I believe that there is a place where meditation can be of service to introverts.

As a way of finding balance and wholeness, introverts seek solitude and alone time. Time with themselves, their inner selves. As Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, says:

“…I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

Mind and Meditation

The mind is the precursor to our actions and the lens through which we see and experience the world. It is something that we are so close to and yet so unfamiliar with at the same time. In the same way that as we get to know an employee or student better we understand what they are truly capable of and how to bring those qualities out of them, so as we get to know our mind better the tool of meditation can help develop the potentialities of the mind.

While introverts can spend much time in introspection at times the internal dialogue, our place of retreat, can seem as noisy as the world that we have tried to get away from. In such instances the activity of meditation, which will take us inside, can seem like the last thing that we would want to do. On the one hand is the image of meditation as providing peace, on the other is having to go inside and face the noise that we are trying to get away from.

The practice of meditation offers many tools for working on the mind. One of these tools is mindfulness. Mindfulness allows us to observe the dialogue taking place in the mind but not get involved. As you are only observing the chatter, there is nothing for the mind to latch onto and develop the stories. You are not giving the mind any fuel to keep going and so in time the stories burn themselves out. The mind being the mind, a new conversation will start up soon enough, but you are there only to observe. See the mind as like a glass of muddy water that has been allowed to sit. As the dust settles, so the noise slowly quietens.

Mindfulness in Daily Life

The formal practice of mindfulness might see you watching your breath, just observing the ebb and flow of the breath as it enters and leaves the nose. From time to time you will be distracted by thoughts arising in your mind. You simply acknowledge them with no judgement of good or bad, simply ‘a thought’ and come back to your breath.

That is the formal practice of mindfulness, but the practice is not limited to solely that time that you are on your meditation cushion. No, mindfulness is a tool that is there for you to use whenever you choose. For introverts this can be especially useful if you are hitting saturation at the end of a busy day, during a long meeting, at a socializing event. For introverts that sense of exhaustion can be felt in the body and mind. We will sense the weariness coming on, latch onto those feelings and start identifying strongly with what is arising in our body and mind. However, by using our mindfulness practice we start to recognize that these noises in our body and mind are not solid, they are passing, ephemeral, transient. This is not to suggest that they are not real - you are still the exhausted introvert who would like to get home as soon as possible. The trick though is in how you identify with what is coursing through you. You can either see the aches and pains of your body and mind as solid and fixed, or as mindfulness enables us to experience, impermanent and ever changing.

The Pliable Mind

Your formal mindfulness sessions will reveal to you the transient, ever changing nature of your thoughts. This does not change when you go about your everyday life. So as you notice tiredness or aches and pains creep into your body, watch those feelings. Chances are as an introvert you are doing more listening than chatting, so use that quiet time at the meeting or social event to just be with the tiredness, observe the “I want to go home” thoughts, acknowledge the aches…and then just let them go. Just observe them, don’t engage or put any judgement on them. The wish to get away is still there, it is real, but now you are not allowing it to have such a firm grip on you. There is more space there with which to work, to relax (yes relax) into. You are still battling the storm of tiredness, but now you are finding time to come for air. An introvert is who you are, yes, but you are not boxing yourself into an image of what that means to you. Your mind is revealing to you who you are and what might be possible.

Mindfulness allows us to develop a pliability of the mind by seeing through and not fixating so rigidly on the images and stories that we tell ourselves. Mindfulness practice shows us that reality and gives us the malleability of our mind to work with in our daily lives. With that experience the world, not just for introverts, becomes more workable.

Aug 14, 2014 ∞

Quiet Time, Space, Mindfulness and Focus

How much time do you give to be just with yourself? Why should you want to?

For six mornings of the week members of Portland Japanese Garden have access to the Gardens for two hours before they open to the general public. The other morning I finally made it up there to benefit from this special privilege.

The silence and stillness on that summer’s morning, the sound of the birds singing and running water, the vividness of the views seen many times before, but being all the more precise with the absence of people.

Why, or why had I not made it up there earlier?

I can in part answer this for myself. Morning quiet time is important to me. Unless I know that I am getting up for an early meeting or to travel somewhere, I plan on starting the day away from busyness and noise. There is plenty of time for that during the day, and my introverted self starts better with a quiet, self-reflective boost before the day gets going. Secondly is my daily meditation practice which is a stable for me just like having breakfast, or the sleep that I have just woken up from. So walking to the car, a drive and walk up to the Gardens, and an uncertainty of just how busy that journey might be and how many conversations I could get drawn into along the way, tends me more to the assured quietness of home.

I was nudged out the front door yesterday morning by some busyness at home. The Japanese Garden seemed like a good second option. As I travelled further up the hill it became apparent just how quiet it was going to be. There were few people around, and beneath the trees was the stillness of a day just starting. On entering the Gardens I walked to find a place to practice Qigong, before moving down to the Rock Garden to meditate. The few people there moved around respectful of their fellow visitors’ space, speaking in hushed voices.

After an hour I headed for home, nourished not only by the silence but also the time spent in nature. The day was still ahead of me.

Returning to those two initially posed questions. How much time do you give to yourself each day? Time free from meetings, emails, other people, phones. And if you were to do so, what would be the benefit? Our over busy, multi-distracted lives aside from not being good for our health, can also lead to less productivity and less time checking in with ourselves. The multitaskers are praised and celebrated, but time spent continually switching between jobs and worrying about what the next distraction coming down the pipe might be, all means less concentration and focus on the current job in hand and with those whom we are working with.

In our run around what is driving us - our fears, concerns, habits and reactions, or our clear thought through ideas? Time spent with ourselves is a “STOP” in the middle of the freneticism. It allows the dust of busyness to settle and what we are really feeling to rise more to the surface - is our body telling us we need to rest, are we really happy with the suggestions being made, would we prefer more time to think through this solution? More time spent in this space starts to change the habits of where we work from. Familiarity here does not breed contempt but a knowing of who we are and how we react to different situations. In the long term the result becomes us catching ourselves more quickly when we find ourselves simply reacting as opposed to coming from our heart.

Quiet Time

So what might this alone time look like? Here is a suggestion. Not a full blown, formal mindfulness meditation session, though the essence of it is here.

Early morning is a good time to give yourself some quiet time. You are fresh from the stillness of your night’s sleep. The day is still as the world wakes up. Before your reach for your smart phone, checkin on the news or your email, schedule ten minutes to be alone with yourself. Find a comfortable chair, or if you like sit on the floor. The important thing is to have a straight back. This allows the mind to stay fresh and alert.

Now as you sit there, just be aware of what is arising for you in those moments. What is arising in your mind? What sensations are there in your body? There is no judgement in what arises, just observation. Be like an usher collecting tickets at the theatre. You see the people walk up to you, and then they are gone. If you catch yourself getting involved in a conversation with your observations, without judgement let that go and return to the observing. If this is not something that you are use to doing, ten minutes alone could feel like an age, but stick with it.

During the day it can be helpful to reinforce the habit of mindfulness that you were observing in the morning. Look for opportunities to remind you to come back to yourself for as little as a few seconds. Here are some suggestions:

A telephone ringing - don’t just reach for it, take a deep breath, feel your presence in the chair and then answer the phone.
The brake lights of the car in front of you.
A stop light.
Try driving without the radio on or music playing.
Standing in line for food or a drink. If you are by yourself, don’t check your phone but be aware of your breathing. Deepen your breath. Be aware of your feet on the ground.
If you are eating by yourself, don’t eat and read. Just be aware of yourself eating. The chewing of the food, the texture of the food, swallowing the food.
When walking walk mindfully, staying aware of yourself walking. Use your breath, or the stepping of your feet as an anchor to keep yourself focused. I have written on this here.

So why should you want to give time to yourself? For you own well being, but also for the benefit of your work and those with whom you work and live. You’ll start to catch yourself being distracted, working off autopilot and find the space to stop and better consider the situation that has presented itself to you. You will start to find space where at first there appeared to be none.

Jul 3, 2014 ∞

The Silent Warrior

When I hear the word “warrior” I usually think of a fearsome character going off into battle, probably on horse back. Such a person appears to me as an ancient and noble figure, adorned in ornate clothes, and carrying some masterly crafted weaponry.

In this article I’d like to introduce to you to two other types of warrior. One is established and known within some circles. This warrior is motivated by altruism to battle the ignorance and suffering in the world.

The second type of warrior is one who has probably existed for centuries, but who I see emerging and gaining more prominence in this time.

In Mahayana Buddhism there exists the concept of the Bodhisattva. A Bodhisattva is one who has the bodhicitta mind. Etymologically bodhicitta is a combination of two Sanskrit words. “Bodhi” means “awakening” and “enlightenment.” “Citta” has the Sanskrit root “cit” which means “that which is conscious.” Bodhicitta is quite often translated as, “mind of enlightenment.” It is also referred to as an unusual mind. Why “unusual” - because very few beings have it. It is a mind that thinks of others before self. For most of us self normally shows up in the picture somewhere. How often do we offer of ourselves with absolutely no wish for anything in return?

The Bodhisattva is sometimes referred to as a warrior. Like other warriors, the Bodhisattva warrior goes into battle. This warrior is fighting against the delusional self-interest that causes so much pain to individuals and nations. To engage in this battle the Bodhisattva carries two weapons, compassion and wisdom. Compassion is that deep wish to see all suffering be removed from the world and to personally engage in the work required to alleviate this suffering. However, compassion alone is not enough. With only compassion there is the danger of burnout. The other weapon is wisdom, the insight to see into the true, interconnected nature of reality. The web of life that binds us all together. This is the root of all suffering. Like compassion, the weapon of wisdom cannot act alone. It is too cool, analytical. It needs the warmth of compassion.

It is with the Bodhisattva in mind that I see the emergence of another warrior in our midst. This warrior has a different, but no less important mission. Their mission is to enrich the world with the qualities that a quiet, but attentive mind offers. In a noisy world, this warrior reminds us of the value of silence, of observing closely, of listening deeply. I call this warrior the Silent Warrior. What weapons might the silent warrior carry? I’d like to suggest a few to you.

Patience: The qualities of a quiet mind might take a while to take root in the world. During that time the silent ones might be misunderstood, not heard. The Silent Warrior is not deterred. They know that they have some something of deep value to give to the world and are prepared to wait.
Persistence: With their rich inner lives, the silent ones have resources to draw on when the going gets tough.
Listening: The Silent Warriors listen deeply, carefully, feeling no need to rush in with their opinions. They take note of what is being said and act accordingly.
Relationships: For those with whom they connect, the Silent Warrior will build a close relationship. Not for them to run around and create shallow relationships. They will spend time with you, get to know you and see in what way they might be able to help.
Leadership: Feeding off the last two items, as a leader the Silent Warrior will not force their opinion on their team. The Silent Leader will work collaboratively, listening to what others have to say, encouraging team members to offer and synthesize their ideas.

These five weapons are the principle ones that I have identified the Silent Warrior as carrying. Are there others that I have missed? Are you a Silent Warrior, gathering your weapons to bring your quiet presence to the world?

May 31, 2014 ∞

The Hypnotic Sound of Silence

Life can be a game of give and take at times. We’d prefer things to be one way but for one reason or another we are called to meet the situation halfway. One area where this can be a real challenge is when our comfort zone is confronted. Unless resolution is strong to push through resistance, we’ll spew forth with reasons why we couldn’t, shan’t, are not able to show up.

As an introvert one area where this is particularly true for me is when I am in need of some silence and solitude. I have been through a particularly busy period and a window of opportunity to some quiet time alone opens up - I’m in! Like a glass of shaken up muddy water, my mind has hit overload and is yearning to allow the dust to settle. As the swirling mire of dirt particles start to come to rest in the glass of my mind, the noise in my head subsides and with that relief, comfort and deep nourishment start to envelope me.

This is all fine and I’m sure something that introverts can relate to, but perhaps they can also relate to,

“When spending a heavenly weekend alone means that you’re missing out on time with friends,”
“And you fear that by doing so, you are nearing ‘hermit’ status.”

What about when the tug becomes between work needing to be done and the quiet recharge? The pull of quiet time becomes hypnotic. You start to feel the deep comfort wrapping itself around you like the ultimate comfort blanket. Hypnotized by the relief that the solitude gives us, we are sucked into inaction (and let’s not forget, rest as well) - friends go unseen, work languishes or at least is given less than our full attention.

Full time alone whether hour or a weekend has its place, but sometimes we need the click of fingers in front of our face to wake up and move into action. This is not about ignoring our introverted tendencies or becoming an extrovert, it is about adaptation. Adaptation in order to be in the world. To use words from the start of this post, it is about give and take.

Silence is golden for introverts, at least it is for this one, but I would guess that I am not the only one. As Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking has said,

“Solitude matters, and for some it is the air that they breathe.”

So all the more so, when we are called to step away from that which feeds us so deeply, it is helpful to have a strong motivation to give us the strength to keep going when we would prefer to be elsewhere. I have written a little about this sort of motivation here, but in essence it is about stopping and reflecting on why you need to step out of this quiet zone. Perhaps it is because of connecting with friends who you value deeply and haven’t seen for a while? Perhaps it is to do with why you are attending this meeting or networking event, the importance of it to your work? Sit and be with your need to be elsewhere for a while, that reason for putting aside your comfort blanket. Let this motivation seep into you and it will lend fuel to your action. With strong resolve and give and take, we can more comfortably step out from under the spell of that silence.

Here are some suggestions for managing our needs against the needs of being in the world. The motivation is personal to you. Find it, be with it, and then embracing adaptation step into the world.

Know that at least once a year, perhaps every few months (pick a time span that works for your life,) you will take a period of time to yourself.
During a weekend alone, timetable your time. You might spend the afternoon with friends, but make sure that the evening is yours.
At business events, give yourself a time that you will stay until. When you arrive explain that you have to leave at such and such a time. If you stay longer, so be it.
Let people know what you are needing in your life so that they respect when you excuse yourself.
At business gatherings and social events with friends set yourself a number of people who you will connect with. Spend time with those people. When you have hit your limit, unless you feel like staying longer, excuse yourself.

Have you caught yourself wrapping yourself in your comfort blanket? What strategies have you used for stepping out of your comfort zone?

Apr 26, 2014 ∞

"I Use to be an Introvert, But..."

When people ask what I do and I reply that I work with introverts I am surprised how often I hear back the comment, “I used to be an introvert, but…,” and the person then proceeds to explain how they managed to transform themselves. As I listen to them speak, I invariably get the sense that they feel as though they have overcome an impediment that was holding them back.

I believe that the statement and assumptions that underlie it arise out of a misunderstanding of what introversion is. I don’t doubt that the person who I have spoken to has overcome something that was holding them back, but I’m sure that what they have overcome is not introversion.

For me two assumptions are present in this statement. One, that introversion can be fixed, and two, that if you do fix it, i.e. are no longer an introvert, life will be better. Let’s examine these two assumptions.

First, introversion is not something that you grow out of. You either are an introvert or you are not. What you might be is shy, a social anxiety. This might overlap with your introversion, but it is not the same. Extroverts can be shy. Shyness is something that you can work on and with time overcome. Introverts have no problem meeting new people. They can show up for parties, even if their tendency is for more intimate gatherings. After a lot of socializing introverts find a need to retreat and recharge in their own company. Introverts who find social events draining can increase their capacity for social mingling. I’ve offered a couple of solutions in this article, however that does not take away who they are and their preference for quieter gatherings and time to refresh themselves.

This need for alone time is sometimes misunderstood as the person lacking confidence, being shy or a loner, i.e. something that is wrong with the introvert. Or, with the introvert moving away from the group, the group members can find themselves thinking that the introvert perceives that something is wrong with them. However this is not about anybody doing or thinking anything wrong, it is about the introvert doing what they need to do - take some alone time, some quiet time, to recharge, think, process. An introverts' mind is wired to need that solitary time. To take a more prosaic example, no one thinks twice if someone excuses themselves to go to the toilet. There is a need and someone is taking action to fulfill that need.

One could also look at the issue of overload. We all hit times when we just need downtime. Life - demands, noise, what we can deal with - just get too much and we just need to take a time out. For an introvert who spends a lot of time in their head, that threshold is lower than for extroverts. With a lot going on, perhaps at a party, the need to take some time away, leave early can cut in before others. As an introvert, though, I have been the last to leave a gathering on more than one occasion. The trick? Usually I have got into a conversation with one or two people - the party has just turned into a small gathering, much more manageable!

Moving onto the second issue, implicit in that assumption is that introversion is something that one would want to get over. That those who are introverts are in some way lacking; not bad people, but that their situation in some way puts them at a disadvantage - so look for ways to move on if you can. In listening to the person who asked me the question, I am always left with the feeling that the person feels as though their life has moved on to something better now that they are ‘no longer’ an introvert. From my side I am left with the unspoken question, “Why would anyone want to get over introversion anyway?” I believe that this simply comes down to misunderstandings, fed by cultural conditioning, of what works in the world today and the introverts place, or lack of in that world. To be born into a culture where the extroverted nature is dominant the message that one hears from a young age is that if you want to get ahead, you are better off being one way rather than another. However, with a third to fifty percent of the population being introverts, that is a lot of people to look down on, and probably includes family members, friends and work colleagues (you might be surprised to find out who the introverts are in your life). We both, extroverts and introverts, have skills, qualities and strengths that can benefit each other and the world in which we live in. Reaching out and exploring and learning about those strengths is a stronger and more beneficial place to come from.

So if you find yourself saying, “I used to be an introvert, but…,” catch yourself and ask yourself what it is that you feel you have overcome. You probably have grown in who you are as a person, but no longer being an introvert is not what has changed. You are either are an introvert and still are, albeit with different social skills, or never were in the first place.